Saturday, June 03, 2006
Today I took pictures out of frames and put them away in an album. They were all of people that I have dearly loved and still hold feelings for, but who, for one reason or another, are walking a different path than the one I have chosen. All have blessed my life in some way or I wouldn't have had their pictures displayed. All have drifted away or I wouldn't have put the pictures away.
Dealing with life head on is not for the weak of heart. A heart is broken often in the course of life. A broken heart remains open. A broken heart has room for compassion, and compassion is needed to keep a flow of genuine love in life. Loving doesn't hurt. Wanting to be loved when another isn't loving hurts. Loving others keeps us going on days when we can't think of anything to excite us and cause us to want to "go do".
I don't have the life I would like to have, but some others do have that life, and I can rejoice with them and for them. I don't have the same problems that some have, but I can feel sorrow with them and for them.
What I have is the life that I have. I can find things to be grateful for within that life.
Sometimes life is composed of one grey day after another, when just getting through the day requires sustained effort. Those are the days I treat myself as I would a loved one who had the same situation as I had. I call that "living by rote". I may not feel loving toward myself, but I can act loving toward myself. I can do the right thing, knowing that at some point the days will no longer seem grey. I can practice good cheer until good cheer actually comes again.
At all times I can pray. I can ask for the grace to walk through a troubling time, and at the end of the day I can say thank you.
Thank You, Lord, for what you have given me, for what You have taken away, and for what You have left behind.
All of life is a gift. What we choose to do with it, is our gift back to life.
So what have I learned since the last time I walked through a rough time?
I have a lot less fear than I had in the past. My eyes are opened wider than in the past. I rest more and am not pushing as hard as in the past.
I lean even more heavily on God. I've stopped judging my own feelings as good or bad. I simply feel them, knowing that they will flow one into the other. I spend far more time in the present moment than in remembering the past or thinking about the future. This time, too, I take the time to play. I do simple things, like watch a movie or play a game. I read books that I had been wanting to read. I thank people who share with me, and walk away from those who want to pass blame.
I have hope...not of anything in particular, just hope. I will feel more cheerful as time passes. Pretty and positive things will occur. I don't tell myself what they have to be; I simply leave a space within my feelings to anticipate them.
I give myself advice:
"Expect miracles. Don't tell the miracles what they have to be. Let the miracles change me. Let myself be a miracle."
Sunday, May 07, 2006
I've been hard pressed often to try to explain to people how I happen to find the jobs that I work at. My explanation is that they find me. When I put one foot in front of the other I wind up in the right place at the right time. I don't go searching, although this job will force me to do that. What I need usually comes to me.
I don't suggest that other people try to live the way I do. I simply found that when I try to live the way others live, life goes backward. I don't know why I am the way I am. I just am. We all have different paths to walk in this life. It's only important that we find our path and walk along it. It's my goal to do as much good as I can do with my life. As some others seek to amass, I seek to give away. I struck gold within a while back, and the more I mine it, the deeper the vein seems to be.
Mining the gold isn't nearly as difficult as trying to give it away. I live in a world overly crowded with people who do not see their own worth. They place their value outside of themselves, on what they have accomplished, what they own and how much money they can accumulate in one lifetime. I have nothing against accomplishment, owning possessions, or having a financial reserve. Such things are pleasant experiences to have. They do not, though, decide my personal worth. My value as a person does not decrease when I am sick, experience material loss, or am broke. I may not feel as happy, but I feel just as valuable as when in better physical circumstances.
I am not one bit more valuable than any other human being, nor am I less valuable than any other human being. Those who treat me as if I have greater or lesser value than they possess do themselves a disservice. They have not yet touched their inner gold. Some will pass through life never knowing how valuable they were. Some will try to convince those of us who act upon our value that we are mistaken. Other will accuse us of being overly proud. But some get curious. They see, in the shine in our eyes and the smile on our faces, something that they experienced at some time in their past, and they come closer to ask questions.
That's when I get to give my gold away.
Friday, May 05, 2006
I swatted, first with one hand, then the other.
With both hands flailing, I thought,
"This can't be worth it!"
And retreated to a place of shade away from the little pests.
They were in numbers sufficient enough to wreck a picnic,
But not a life.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
If I were to die today there would be some who would say, "She died young." There would be other's who would say, "She lived a full life." At fifty-nine, I realize that I may have many years ahead of me, but I also realize that there are a lot more years behind me, than what may lie ahead. As I see it, all of my days are extra now. I've married, been widowed, raised children and nursed my parents unto death. Home and family has always meant more to me than anything else. I've had my heart full in that area, and I've had my heart broken. Both things taught me a lot about love.
Fifty-nine is an odd age. It's not quite old, but certainly not young. "Old enough!" is the way I think about it. The world has changed a lot since I was a girl, so I'm not having the experiences I would have liked to have had at this age, but there are just enough people who cherish and respect, for me to be glad to be alive.
I am a homemaker without a home, a wife without a husband, a mother without children and a daughter without parents...yet here I am, still Beth. I have no particular plan for my life, for plans, obviously, haven't proven to work well for me, but I do have a loving sense of direction.
There are grown men and women now who call me "Mom" and from the way they respond to me, they truly mean it. They cherish. They respect. I fill with awe when I think of them, just as I used to do the same when I looked upon those I gave birth to. The feelings are identical.
Throughout my life I have been severely criticized for being true to myself. There were those who criticized me for marrying young, but when my husband died when he was only twenty-seven, they stopped. There were those who criticized me for striving to remain home when I was raising my children, and those who criticized me for keeping my parents out of a nursing home, and not worrying about what would happen when they passed. My father died in 1992. My mother died in 1999. I'm still alive. I've found it odd that I have been more strongly criticized for the things I have done right in life, than for anything I did wrong. There were always plenty of people willing to encourage me to do something wrong, and a lot fewer to encourage me to do as I felt needed to be done. I think the only reason I have found that odd is that I really have been true to myself. I wouldn't have wanted to face myself in the mirror if I hadn't done what was on my heart to do.
Life hasn't been the way I would like it to be, but I've become the woman I want to be. There are many contrasts in life. Things that I don't like seem to make things that I do like stick out more. There was a time, years ago, when I didn't want to live and was too much of a coward to die. Today, not only do I enjoy my experience of life, I like myself, even when others don't.
Amazing grace. An Awesome God. I continue to write about Him, and about what He does with me, which makes me Oneamazingwriter.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Those who want to hate, are going to hate. If I have learned anything I have learned that. I feel no need to defend my Christianity to that man. It's my Christianity that defends me against such people! "Fight this battle for me please, Lord."
Those who resort to sarcasm as humor laugh as they stick in knives. I never saw stabbing as something to laugh at. A quick retort simply shows a mind that doesn't leave room for the humanity of another. As a Christian I pray to be slow to anger and quick to forgive. That works just fine for me. My laughter is that of joy. It is a simple thing based upon the ability to see how human and humor truly go together. Taking myself too seriously makes no sense to me at all.
I have been told by many sarcastic people that I am not logical. I see no logic in sarcasm. It makes not sense to me to build oneself up by putting another person down. I laughed at the illogic of the man's statement. I felt sad for the man when he decided that I wasn't acting Christian enough for him. He didn't say that his name was Christ, so I didn't worry about it. I am puzzled at times by those who aren't Christian trying to tell those of us who are that we aren't doing it right. And then I laugh again. I think it's funny! Things that make no sense often strike me funny. Slap stick humor and I get along well.
If cutting edge technology means dehumanizing oneself, I think I will settle for old-fashioned living. I can do more good with a feather than with a knife. I prefer to tickle people. Becoming a meek geek is a challenge. I've always enjoyed a challenge.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Monday, April 17, 2006
2. 2x1=2 1+1=2 I can work on a project on Saturday and Sunday or I can work with another on Saturday and we can both take a break on Sunday. If I feel restless when I have a whole day to myself, I can work on a project by myself on Sunday. I could also make plans with the same person that I worked with Saturday and find something to do that isn't work. When loneliness is factored out, good humor often rushes in to fill the void.
3. A dog is not as intelligent as I am. I cannot teach calculus to a dog. The dog does not care what I know or don't know. The dog will, though, do what I train it to do within it's capabilities, regardless of my manner of teaching it. The dog wants to learn. I can experiment with the dog. I can watch it's expressions and see what posture it takes as I try different tones of voice in giving a command. The dog can be used as a firewall to keep intrusive humans outside the home and away from my computer. If I laugh, cry or occassionally pet the dog, it won't tell anyone. My sense of emotional privacy will remain intact.
4. A woman is more intelligent than a dog, but not as predictable. (Refer to #1) A woman will place an expectation that we spend time together away from my work. (Refer to #2) A woman will care more about the tone of my voice when I speak to her than what I have to say. (Refer to #3) At this point it is important to reconsider the dog. The same dog that acts as firewall may now act as a buffer between a woman and me. If the dog likes the woman, there is a chance that I might, too. If the woman likes the dog, there's a chance that she may like me. If I like the woman, the woman likes the dog, the dog likes the woman, but the woman doesn't like me, the dog will still like me anyway, and the two of us can go off alone together and keep one another company.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Questions like that were on my mind this morning. My path has brought me to write this page. Your path has brought you to read this page. I've decided that it's most important to simply make certain that love is the path and the action on the path. Where that path leads either one of us is love's decision. Why confuse myself with further inquiry?
Hi! there! 'Glad we can connect for a moment in time! It's a trip; isn't it?
Whatever we can agree upon will cause us a moment of ease, and whatever we disagree about will send us in different directions. Both attraction and repulsion generate energy and supply direction.
So what brought you here? Me? I'm writing because it's an especially quiet and incredibly pretty day. I have no desire to physically go anywhere at the moment, my head is already full of things I have been studying, and my thoughts are on someone that I have never met.
Like I said, it's a trip, isn't it? Holding people in thought whom we have never met isn't new to any of us who use the Internet to connect with one another. In my case I go through the whole phenomena of having a crush or "falling in love" at times. Journeying in mind and spirit has an effect on one's emotions. Sometimes there's simply that special "click" and the curiosity that follows it sets me on a new course.
I analyzed the sensation for as long as I felt the need to do so several years ago. Then I let go and laughed. Attractions keep me interested in life. Repulsions help me to better define my preferences. When I am attracted I forget about myself. When I am repulsed I learn more about myself. I decided that both must be necessary, so I enjoy both.
I have more time than most to simply sit, think and feel. I love to write, so I record some of my thoughts and feelings. It's my hope that in doing so, those who have less time than I do might find some answers for themselves. I like things that are both pretty and practical.
If something "clicked" in you as you read this, take it and run with it. It's free. It's my intention to share love indiscriminately. If you were drawn here, then you are meant to feel loved. Please do!
Life is just too short to spend too much time quibbling over what love is and who gets it. Take it with you! It will tell you who you are...for love tends to define us, rather than allow us to define it.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Now an eight-year-old in Boston, Massachusetts and a seven-year-old in Sydney, Australia, who met on the Internet through their mothers, are having an adventure with a tooth fairy. On Friday night, once a week I go online and read their latest adventures to a child in Adelaide, Australia, from a microphone connected to my computer in Trenton, New Jersey. The stories are for her Saturday morning listening pleasure.
Times change. Characters change. But the love in the writing and telling doesn’t change. It still protects the innocent, and it will travel half way around the world in a flash to do so.
I’ve promised the child who hears the story to publish a series of books as the girls and the fairy have their adventures together. I told the child who inspired these stories that I would dedicate each book to her and she would see her name within each. She has no idea how involved finding a publisher and competing against thousands of other writers will be. She doesn’t need to know. She’s a child.
The story will write itself, as it has been doing, but the publisher won’t come looking for it. Research, query letters, submissions, rejections, the blood, sweat and tears of the real world, will all have to be faced and surmounted.
A promise to a child is a promise to keep.
Friday, April 14, 2006
It's been a while since I smiled at you, so I thought I'd do that this morning. What am I doing sitting up after 2:00 am ? Good question!
This has been a remarkable day in a continuing series of remarkable days. Oops! 2:00 am? OK. Yesterday was a most remarkable day! I have no doubt that today is, too. I'm simply sitting up to finish glowing about yesterday. Those of us who have known deep sorrow, tend to know deep joy.
I have some special women friends who are younger than I. They have trusted me a lot and have often asked for guidance. Being in a position to guide another adult is a most humbling experience. What if I am wrong? What if I miss something and suggest something that will set the other person back, rather than encourage her forward? I feel the depth of my humanity when I am asked to enter into another's confidence.
Yesteday I had the opportunity to spend time with each woman, and to see and hear things that added to the glow I already had. Their eyes shine. Their smiles are wide and real. They are making their dreams a reality! I knew they could do it. I didn't know if they would do it. I am gleeful!
Have you ever tried to sleep when you are gleeful? It's a lost cause. Joy begets joy begets joy. (No. That's not a typo! The repetition is intentional. It's called overjoyed!) The stuff has no limit, and refuses limitation imposed upon it. It will have it's way.
I always forget that I receive what I ask for others. Now there are people who believe that I can achieve my dreams. Chivalry is not dead. Men are holding open doors of possibility for me, and running block for me so that I can walk a straight path. Women are being kind, thoughtful and outright nurturing! They hug me and let go, placing no claim on me or my life.
It cannot be earned. The price was paid over 2,000 years ago. A gift both coming and going, it's a win-win option.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Sunday, April 09, 2006
What, you ask, is the Land of Geek? It's where people fight like children in a play yard, challenge one another's statements and opinions, laugh as if everything is just fine in the world around them, and rush forward to answer any question asked. It is where there are as many perspectives of life as there are sets of eyes. It is where people use their God given intellect, even if they don't believe in God. It is a place where those who don't know the fine art of relating are related to anyway, and those who do know, do their best to pass along simple communication skills.
The Land of Geek is a place of sharing, where you can learn more than you need to know, become aware of more than you wanted to know, and find someone to agree with you against all odds.
It is my considered opinion that it is the Geeks who will keep the world intact so that the Meek can inherit it. Having lived at least half of my life already, I am very interested in helping to hold this world together for those of the generations after me. I entered in to learn about them and to hug them, and found myself as they embraced me.
My goal in this life is to be a Meek Geek. When intellect rules emotion and the two walk hand in hand, Love reigns supreme.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
A lot of people have helped me along the way in life, or I wouldn't be all that cheerful now. They shared coping skills with me that I wouldn't have thought of on my own. One lesson in point of view is something that I love to pass along. A man took out a coin and held it between us and asked me to describe what I saw. I told him that I saw an upside down man's head. He said he saw something very different and described it to me. He explained that we could both fight about that, or we could each look at the other's point of view and get a clearer picture of both sides of the coin.
Another man shared with me that we all have a right to be wrong. I replied, "Huh?" (Being told something that is entirely different than any message I have received in the past tends to cause me to temporarily put on my dunce cap.) It took some time for me to digest that and to see how thinking that way would impact my life. I tried it out. I liked the effect. I decided to hold onto it. What works for some doesn't always work for others, but that one worked well for me. It got me off my own back and helped me to allow that human beings learn as they go along. I may not agree with what some choose to learn, but I don't have to agree. I am also free to open my mind and see where I might be wrong, and not dwell on it, but rather be happy that I can correct myself.
A woman told me, "Opinions are all like belly buttons (she used another word). We all have one." I learned from that to freely express my opinion and to listen to the opinions of others. It seemed a good way to let people get to know how I think and it helped me to get to know how they think. Some have expressed their opinions about me or what I choose to think in the negative and some in the positive. That has let me know where they are "at". The opinion that counts the most to me is mine. I have to live with that one.
I learned from another woman that words have different meanings to different people dependent upon what feeling each one associates with a word. I learned to listen with my eyes as well as my ears. That doesn't help much online, so I laugh often and say, "Well, that didn't work!" My laughter is at life, not at any one person, other than myself at times.
Ah. Communication. I remain impressed that any of us are able to connect and understand one another at any given moment! Since the only safe way to live is to hide in a cave somewhere, I won't be living safely in this lifetime. I'm committed to blundering my way through. I'm also committed to experiencing a lot of joy and my ulterior motive in relating to others is to take as many with me as I can. I can laugh alone, and I do, but it's more fun to laugh with others.
Monday, March 20, 2006
I'm convinced that the reason philosophers write so much is that most people aren't the least bit interested in asking us what we are thinking, because if they do we gladly talk for hours! We love to think! (I pause to count the exclamation points and laugh at myself. Yes, this stuff does excite me.)
Having accepted that I am little more than a nerd with a sense of humor, I challenge myself to become more. What does one do to become more than a nerd? She trains to become a geek. Is there anything better? I don't know. I'm only in training at present. I joined a site online (Tech Republic) where very intelligent professionals congregate and share their knowledge. No one has kicked me out as yet. I guess reading doesn't make a lot of noise, so perhaps most don't know that I am there. I've dared to hit the keys, though, and posted a few things. Yet, still, when I sign on my membership is intact. I have hope.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
I used to wonder why crazy makers existed, but as time has passed I have found that they serve a great purpose. They challenge those of us who love the truth to search our souls and thus find God. Without them we might go through life with no sense of a Greater Reality.
Honoring ego is not the purpose of life. Love is the purpose of life. We were created by Love to learn to become one with Love. We need only enough ego to form a sense of identity so that when we say I love you, there is an I to offer from. We were not created to stand in one another’s shadows, but rather to share the light of truth one with another.
Truth needs no embellishment. It has nothing to hide. Truth cause us each to see that we are as gains of sand in the magnitude of the universe, yet each grain is as well loved as if it was all that existed. With truth we experience awe, and reach to the Great Unknown with arms open, assured of a most loving embrace.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Saturday, February 25, 2006
I loved this and had to put it somewhere that I would keep tripping over it. This looks like as good a place as any! This is certainly food for thought. Someone hand me a bib and a nutcracker please.
I came upon this quote in the course of surfing after running a search on the word xenophobia. A friend used that word in an email today..so off I went. After reading the definition I decided that I am a xenoloveitup. I doubt that word will be found if you run a search, unless it brings you right back to this page.
A xenophobic is someone who has a fear of anything or anyone strange or foreign. It can also be hatred of what or who is foreign; at least that's my understanding of the word. Loosely translated it's called fear of the unknown. Fear of diversity. Fear of self. That's right. Fear of self. When we are afraid of someone or something we don't know anything about, it's ourselves we are frightened of. We don't know how to respond, so we react.
Walking into the unknown brings an instinct of fear to any of us. We call that anxiety. Anxiety occurs because our egos speak up to say, "Hold it! I don't know this! This is new to me! I don't now how to deal with this!" Anxiety is an emotional and somewhat physical response. It passes if we allow it to. Egos, when they are undisciplined, can keep us bound to a very tiny life, centered in what we know and are comfortable with. Egos are not very bright. In fact, I would dare to say they are stupid at times, for my definition of stupidity is the unwillingess to learn.
My ego is my sense of I. To allow myself to learn something new, part of my existing I has to give up the ghost. Learning changes the way I think and the way I perceive myself and life around me. Taking my I too seriously only keeps me down. There's nowhere to fall from down. It's a safe place, well lit by my light of "reason" where I can justify just about anything.
Anxiety will cause me to hesitate at times, but faith tends to remind me that it's temporary, so I sit quietly and let it pass. Then I am better able to turn off my light of reason, grab my nutcracker and bib, and hop right over the edge of the cliff into the unknown.
Heat up some butter, Folks! I'm going in! And I'll be back with some goodies to share! (Does anyone know the mating call for a lobster?)
Friday, February 24, 2006
While living my life one day at a time
Not knowing what each day will bring
There are moments of sorrow that runs very deep
But most often events make me sing
The blessings that come are too many to count
'Though life’s trials may test me with fire
I strengthen each day as experience comes
For to follow God’s will I aspire
As grace I pursue through times rough or sweet
I’m sure that my Lord laughs with glee
For it’s grace that has caused me to want what I do
And it’s grace that has pursued me!
That's what is written on the note on my door.
A minister once said to me, "You are an Intuitive (spelled with a capital I). What works for others won't work for you, and what works for you won't work for most others. "
Ain't that the truth! One of my favorite expressions as I relate stories from my life is, "Children, don't try this at home!"
The spiritual life is not for the weak of heart. I was drafted and now I'm a lifer. I live with my feet firmly planted in mid air. It's the only way to fly!
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Monday, February 20, 2006
What I like about astrology is that it gives me some answers about my basic make up that causes me to say, “So that’s why!” I don’t like predicting futures or a lot of the other stuff. I simply like to have something to help me to look inward to see what I have to work with and where some of the glitches might be.
From time to time I explore things astrologically, but then I set that all aside again. I use it as others use salt. A little enhances flavor. A lot can make you very ill and lead to complications that could be deadly.
I think of life as a patchwork quilt or an Irish stew…a little bit of this, a little bit of that and something beautiful or delicious can come from it all.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
My philosophy of life can be summarized in one sentence: "When the known isn't acceptable, try a hitherto unknown." If nothing else, that philosophy has given me a resume of life experience that says, "Been there. Done that!" about a lot of things. I've been an exceptionally bright, but decidedly "thick" person most of my life. You can tell me what to do and how to do it, and I enjoy listening, but until I have done it myself, I just don't "get it". I credit God with the fact that I didn't try to jump off the roof of my parents' home when I was a child in order to see if I could fly. I think that's simply because I didn't have any great desire to fly. Some people are born with common sense. The rest of us learn through sometimes painful experience. Pain passes. Learning is possible. I share The Blunders of Beth freely with anyone who has a real interest and might be able to learn through hearing. I hug the rest and help to dry a lot of tears. Those are the people that I laugh with the most. Surviving our own foolishness is cause for laughter.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
I spoke to a nurse today who kept staring at me after she asked my age (59 in a couple of weeks) and promptly went into shock when I stepped on the scales and weighed 30 pounds more than she had guessed. I keep trying to tell people that I am a spirit having a physical experience of life, rather than a physical being who occasionally has a spiritual experience, so I've decided that people tend to see my young and light soul, rather than the aging cookie-stuffed carcass that I walk around in. When I am complimented on my hair color I reply, "For four dollars a month, we can be twins." I do exaggerate. (Sometimes the shade I use goes on sale for 2/$5.) When asked if I am Irish I reply, "That, too, as well as German, English and Native American (Penobscot)." I dare anyone to get this hair to curl! I've been asked to leave hair salons by the back door and had one stylist cry real tears when he tried to give me a short haircut, "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" I explained to the poor man that it was only hair and it would grow back in. How was he to know that it wanted to grow straight up and out? A rose by any other name may indeed be a rose, but I looked more like a red dandelion. That was 20 years ago when it was thicker and punk was in, so I got away with it until it grew. I was the Cowlick Kid as a child. Age has been kind to me. My face fell into a nice position. I like crows' feet. (Crow Medicine means to answer to a higher authority, and my God laughs with me.)Last year I spent some time with a man who was younger than my daughter, and at a point when I was annoyed with him I said, "You want to know what I will look like in my old age? You are looking at it!" He was six foot four and I am five foot three. I said,"There isn't a man alive who has the right to talk down to me!" He got the message. Respect. It's an old fashioned word often misused. It means a healthy fear of loss. What we respect we treat well.
My father used to call me feisty. I thought it was a compliment that meant I was honest and out spoken. I don't think that's what he meant, but in his old age, he was glad that I was who I was. When I ride shot gun, the stage arrives on time.
My mother told me that no one changes after thirty. Others told me it's all down hill after fifty. Doctors told me that I would never conceive children. After my daughter was born they said all babies are miracles, but her birth was even more of a miracle than most because it was impossible for me to conceive. I enjoyed telling that story to my son who was born eight years later. Doctors told me in 1966 that I would be blind in ten years if I didn't have an operation, which I elected not to have. My eyesight has improved dramatically as I have aged. After surgery for cancer a young doctor hollered, "This is not possible!" I had six months healthy tissue in six weeks. For most of my life I've heard, "You can't say that! You can't do that!"
They lied to me. I can and I do. Life is an adventure.
That's a little of who I am. Come back again. I've been around for years. That's just a tiny tip of the iceberg!