Saturday, June 03, 2006

In Anticipation of Miracles

I've been up against it for a number of weeks. Such times occur in life. They let me know what lessons I have learned since the last time I was up against it.

Today I took pictures out of frames and put them away in an album. They were all of people that I have dearly loved and still hold feelings for, but who, for one reason or another, are walking a different path than the one I have chosen. All have blessed my life in some way or I wouldn't have had their pictures displayed. All have drifted away or I wouldn't have put the pictures away.

Dealing with life head on is not for the weak of heart. A heart is broken often in the course of life. A broken heart remains open. A broken heart has room for compassion, and compassion is needed to keep a flow of genuine love in life. Loving doesn't hurt. Wanting to be loved when another isn't loving hurts. Loving others keeps us going on days when we can't think of anything to excite us and cause us to want to "go do".

I don't have the life I would like to have, but some others do have that life, and I can rejoice with them and for them. I don't have the same problems that some have, but I can feel sorrow with them and for them.
What I have is the life that I have. I can find things to be grateful for within that life.

Sometimes life is composed of one grey day after another, when just getting through the day requires sustained effort. Those are the days I treat myself as I would a loved one who had the same situation as I had. I call that "living by rote". I may not feel loving toward myself, but I can act loving toward myself. I can do the right thing, knowing that at some point the days will no longer seem grey. I can practice good cheer until good cheer actually comes again.

At all times I can pray. I can ask for the grace to walk through a troubling time, and at the end of the day I can say thank you.

Thank You, Lord, for what you have given me, for what You have taken away, and for what You have left behind.

All of life is a gift. What we choose to do with it, is our gift back to life.

So what have I learned since the last time I walked through a rough time?
I have a lot less fear than I had in the past. My eyes are opened wider than in the past. I rest more and am not pushing as hard as in the past.
I lean even more heavily on God. I've stopped judging my own feelings as good or bad. I simply feel them, knowing that they will flow one into the other. I spend far more time in the present moment than in remembering the past or thinking about the future. This time, too, I take the time to play. I do simple things, like watch a movie or play a game. I read books that I had been wanting to read. I thank people who share with me, and walk away from those who want to pass blame.

I have hope...not of anything in particular, just hope. I will feel more cheerful as time passes. Pretty and positive things will occur. I don't tell myself what they have to be; I simply leave a space within my feelings to anticipate them.

I give myself advice:
"Expect miracles. Don't tell the miracles what they have to be. Let the miracles change me. Let myself be a miracle."